Dear June Bugs,
Far be it for me to tell you how to live your life, but I’d like to point out a few ways in which your poor decisions are impacting your neighbors. I really hope that you are willing to consider some compromises to your behavior before we have to resort to cease and desist measures.
Firstly, and I know you know this, it’s April. You are contractually obliged, as the title of your species suggests, to wait until June to appear. Not that I enjoy your company in June either, but don’t we at least deserve a few backyard cookouts before you crash the party? Besides which, you eat leaves, and they are barely even out yet. It would be in your best interests to wait for a greater selection of delectable leafy material, surely?
Secondly, the oak tree in the middle of my yard is…..in my yard, in the middle. It is hard to avoid while walking the dogs late at night, and I find it utterly unnecessary for you to dive bomb my face from your oak-branch perches. My face is pale for sure (I am English), but it does not resemble the moon that much. Please leave my face alone.
Thirdly, your offspring are unwelcome visitors in my lawn. (I use the word ‘lawn’ loosely, given that your grub nursery is mostly clover and chickweed, but still). Not only do your little ones cause even more unhappiness to our grass than our own neglect, but our small puppy has become an accomplished grub-hunter and attempts to bring her trophies inside. We are naturally very proud of her new skill, but it is only marginally more gross than enduring your nightly forays into my moon-face.
Finally, we would appreciate you toning down your enthusiasm for pinging against the porch screen. It is ultimately futile for you, but is quite noisy for us. It seems very stubborn of you to continue to subject our screen to your bouncing beetle bodies when neither one of us is prospering from the action.
We will endeavor to find some patience for your continued existence (we hope you understand we are not simply beetle-bashing here), but we will take your lack of response to this letter as acquiescence to some level of reduced activity. Should you wish to contest these requests, please drop a note from the oak tree at your convenience.
Sincerely,
Your neighbors with the tasty trees.
HA!