Yesterday, I hurled a post at you about just how few days there are in 15 years, and then….well, good luck figuring out the next 15!
But I wouldn’t quite do that to you. Today I want to look at each of our chapters and what we tend to do or want in each of them. A bit more context, you know.
Here’s the way I tend to think about our life chapters:
Chapter 1: 0-15 years old. Childhood.
Lots happens, but not a great deal is within your control. You’re learning like crazy, but not necessarily deciding or contributing a whole lot. A bit, but not a lot.
Chapter 2: 16-25 years old. Early adulthood. A time to crack open life.
At 16, you’re learning to drive and you have to make some of your own decisions. You’re leaving school and you’re considering your own path: college, job, husband, wife, single, kids, no kids etc. You’re beginning to understand yourself a bit more and chart out your next chapter. You’re also taking steps to make it a reality.
Chapter 3: 26-40 years old. A time to produce, do, build.
This is often all about career growth, raising kids, going from renting to owning, perhaps from urban to suburban, going from calling Dad for help to calling friends, and being the (real or proverbial) Dad. You’re saving for retirement without really attaching much meaning to that time. You’re aging, but not really feeling it yet. By 40, you have a solid position in life, you’ve figured some things out, have a little bit in savings, know the value of quality over quantity, and, then….
Chapter 4: 41-60 years old. A time to evaluate, question, develop perspective and determine new pathways for growth.
Is that solid position in life reflective of what I want? Why do I have a whole room full of stuff I don’t use? Do I need to get my knee checked out? Am I too old to change my mind? Will my kids ever leave? (I hope they do….I also hope they don’t.) How am I this old?! What’s next? More of the same? Surely not.
Some people, of course, do continue with life without making major changes and are perfectly happy and continue to grow into their roles or relationships. And some are not so happy. It is natural though, at this mid-point, to reevaluate and want to bring more of your wisdom to the table than your youthful strength and energy. It can be easy to stagnate or keep ‘doing by default’ here, instead of finding your natural approach to generating energy and enthusiasm, meaning and joy. There is still much ahead of you at this point, but you feel the urgency of re-deciding key aspects of your life so you don’t ‘waste any more time’ on jobs, people, and stuff that’s not fulfilling any more. It’s a time of unlearning the things that you’ve been told or that you’ve done out of expectation that turn out not to be helpful.
Chapter 5: 61-75 years old. A time for confidence, freedom, and for rich enjoyment.
This is a chapter that you might still choose to work all the way through. Many people are using the skills they’ve developed over a whole career to keep consulting or working through their 70s, and are thoroughly enjoying it, although there is generally less intensity about ‘career’ or status. You’re working because you love it (hopefully). Many others are wrapping up a long career of hard work and looking forward to taking out some of what they’ve worked hard to put in. It’s often a time to reap rewards, engage in some adventure and be flexible, even if you’re still working. The urgency of work is replaced by the urgency of living, especially if there are feelings of regret or repression from the previous chapter.
Chapter 6: 76+ years old. A time to release your own or others’ expectations for real, invest in pleasure, and reconcile choices.
If you’re lucky, you’re still adventuring (or working) to your heart’s content in this chapter (hello Nancy Pelosi), but at some point in this chapter, you’ll be focusing on security - in housing, family and friends, opportunity to live with a degree of ease etc. I think it’s also a time (if you haven’t done so already), where you have to find satisfaction in a life well-lived, joy in the day-to-day, and reconcile yourself to your flaws, and the path(s) you have (or have not) taken, if you are to have a happy chapter. It involves reflection, but also presentism and gratitude.
I have different friends in this chapter (of varying degrees of physical capacity) who spend time in Florida each year, drink a martini every day, are the ‘mayor’ and social center of the neighborhood, take three-week cruises to Norway, write research papers, work at the food bank. I am not for a second suggesting this is a time to just sit down; it IS a time when accepting some limitations (often physical or financial), and releasing others (often socially- or self-imposed), can make the whole chapter the real kind of fun.
So, six chapters (in my mind, at least).
I’m in the middle of chapter 4. And most of the people that I know who read this newsletter are in chapters 3-6. Of course, we all change chapters at different ages and for different reasons. I think some people enter chapter 4 in their 30s, others in their 50s. And some don’t enter chapter 6 until they’re 90. But where the boundaries are doesn’t really matter.
It matters that we recognize what we’re searching for and what opportunities we have. It matters that we keep investigating and deciding what will allow us to live our richest and most fulfilling life.
It matters that we don’t ignore these chapters. Rather we should embrace them - moving through them without resistance.
When I wrote the post yesterday, about looking ahead 15 years, I had in mind that during that time, we will essentially all move into our next chapters.
If we accept and make those choices in front of us, we will be writing our next chapter by more deliberately engaging and taking action in our current one. It’s sort of astonishing that in 15 years, I will be in my 60s. A whole new chapter with different motivations (probably). Meanwhile, I’m living in this one and I want to appreciate where I am and what my opportunities are now, so that my next one can be equally (but differently) rich, and without regret.
But I’m also conscious that each chapter flows forward no matter what. Our next chapter will arrive (or not) no matter what we do today, so at the same time, it doesn’t require stress or anxiety. Just awareness, active reflection, decision, and action.
I am embracing middle age and all the complexity and re-evaluation (and odd pops and creaks) that comes with it. It’s fun actually to be able to release the previous chapter and not feel like I have to keep dragging that phase with me or making apologies for my former self.
I get to lean in fully to this one. And write it the way I want.
You?
This is rich.....