The most difficult ‘no’ in response to a request or an invitation is when it sounds pretty good.
It’s easier (not easy necessarily, but easier) to say no if you don’t want to go anyway, but over the holidays, family, friends, coworkers, or your bookclub have fun-sounding parties or drop-ins or dinners, and it can be hard to pick and choose, or just to honor that you need some time to yourself.
And then there are the things that you sort of have to do, like the kindergarten play, or the food bank at church, or the tree-lighting downtown that your kids love.
If you have a hard time disappointing people during the other 11 months of the year, the social (and family) pressure at the holidays will be reeeeeally tough for you.
Most of us live in some constant state of wishing we said no more often, but the holidays can be especially exhausting, especially if you’re an introvert. And even for extroverts, holiday magic usually blooms a little easier when there is some space.
What if the holiday or New Year gift you gave to yourself was a no or two sprinkled across the end of the month? Guilt-free mind you. And how would it feel to say an enthusiastic yes to the rest of the invitations, because you know you won’t be exhausted or flustered when you do show up to the specific things you choose to fully participate in?
It’s definitely easier to say no when you know ahead of time where your typical limits are. For example, I’m taking the week between Christmas and New Year off, and we have plans on six of the 10 days (not all day on each of the six, but something). That’s probably my limit. To have four days with nothing planned but a puzzle, a bit of tidying up, and eating some leftovers - that’s definitely what I need in addition to fun time with friends and family. I’m both looking forward to spending time with some of my favorite people and the time when I’m not out and about with others.
So if I get an invitation during those four days, it will almost certainly be a kind, but firm no. Not that this has always been easy for me (and still isn’t), but I am getting better at simply saying no. I used to find excuses - maybe even lying about my availability. But now, (after much practice and failure!) I find myself simply saying that I am giving myself some downtime, which I need, and then I might suggest that we get-together in January instead (if that is realistic).
I am discovering more and more that the real power of no is that the yeses are better.
And if we’ve learned nothing but this from the pandemic, isn’t it that we want ‘better’ and not just ‘more’?