Very briefly, I lived in the DC area while I worked for the US Global Change Research Program - a 13-Agency program to coordinate environmental programs across the government.
I learned a lot during that time, including how decisions get made on The Hill and in government more broadly. Pretty fascinating.
I thought I would be in DC longer than I was (I got offered a job I couldn’t refuse on the National Climate Assessment back in Asheville), and so instead of renting, my partner at the time and I bought a house.
My criteria for the house was simple: Not a long commute into town, a bit of an outdoor space for the dog, and a really nice kitchen. My partner added that the house should not be too old. Preferably new. With a master bath.
We ended up in a 1939 row house with a bathroom down the hall and the tiniest kitchen you have ever seen. I could literally touch all walls of the kitchen from a single spot. All but two pans had to be stored in a closet in the basement. And….we loved that house. I even loved the kitchen. We didn’t change a single thing while we lived there.
Clearly, my idea of what I wanted in a house was nowhere near what I actually wanted in a house.
It turned out that I loved character more than features, and a walkable neighborhood with lots of trees. As a bonus, we ended up with a great neighbor. After work, we would sometimes sit on our tiny front stoop (there was room for one chair, so the other one sat on the steps), and chat to our neighbor on her stoop two feet away, while we had happy hour and waved at whichever neighbor was walking their dog/strollers/sometimes-dogs-in-strollers.
It turns out that I’m not unusual. Lots of people have a hard time accurately imagining what would make them happy. The author and researcher Daniel Gilbert has a whole book on the topic which is fun and super interesting.
But of course, I don’t know how happy I would have been with a really nice kitchen either. So the thing we do really well is rationalize our decisions after we make them. I believe I was happier in the house we did choose rather than a theoretical one we didn’t choose, even though I have no idea how happy I might have been with another choice.
While some of this research is hilarious/depressing (we can rationalize decisions we were told we made, but didn’t even actually make), it also makes sense. To live a happy life, we have to believe that we are in control and that the path we’ve chosen is actually the ‘best’ one for us.
I’m fine with that with that bit of internal deviousness.
So, with reference to the posts over the last couple of days - making the most of our next chapter, and understanding which chapter we’re even in anyway - I just want to throw out that your specific choices may not matter as much as you think they do.
Whether you decide to move to Wyoming or Idaho, or travel to Italy vs Spain, or get a dog vs a cat, or learn the banjo vs the bagpipes, or become a potter vs a cabinet maker, it may be more or less the same level of happiness.
The three things that do seem important though are these:
Definitely eliminate the truly horrible choices. Don’t get the anchovy ice cream.
Limit your overall number of choices. Counterintuitively, we are much unhappier when we believe our choices are essentially unlimited (90 flavors!) vs when we have only a few options (strawberry, chocolate, vanilla)
Do make a decision. Don’t put off actually making a choice. To stay stuck ‘nowhere’ is worse than taking either path. Choose strawberry1. Even if you later think you might have enjoyed vanilla more, you definitely would regret having no ice cream at all.
The other thing to note is that this refers to specific choice but not the big underlying reasons for change. Whether to move or stay put, is not the same decision as to whether to move to Wyoming or Idaho. There is still some work to understand what your overall priorities and your underlying values are. Definitely spend quality (probably solo) time on that.
But once you’ve decided the background stuff, the rest is likely to be rationalizable (and will make you just as happy as the other choice) no matter what you pick.
So perhaps don’t feel too much pressure to ‘choose wisely’. Just, you know….pick. Your next chapter self will thank you.
Have a great weekend y’all.
Obviously the ‘right’ choice would be chocolate. Also Idaho, Italy, both, banjo, potter. Unless you prefer strawberry, ranches, tapas, bunnies, tartan, and places to put your pottery.